We've been passing through the mountains now for about four hours when a conversation erupts. The backseat is talking of past flames of all sorts, with a kind of casual familiarity; as if we should all be familiar with it. I don't intrude as to not seem like a tourist in the car, but it makes me painfully aware of myself for a little while. I've never been that kind of person, you know, the kind of person who has endless tales of silly relationships or people that were especially fond of me that I had to "let down easy" you know. And that's always been a popular topic to bring about self awareness in my case; I’m just not really the biggest ladies man I guess you could say. I start wondering about why I might not have had all these people wandering through my memories to add to the conversation.
This is the part where I put down my pious mantle of awesomeness to admit that I'm not perfect. Have you ever started to become very aware of your brokenness? Like you’re not put together right and the way that feels natural really isn't the right way. I think everyone does from time to time.
This is the silly part of my tale, because I start to think about all the things that I do that people don't like. How could I change myself to create a more suitable person to be on a girls’ arm. As I'm thinking about all this, to further my purposes of adding to this explosion of stories in the backseat, I very quickly realize that I'm heading down a very inwardly focused road. I guess there's nothing wrong with bettering yourself, but it just seemed like I was missing something and my focus needed fixing. So now I'm left with a broken image of what I feel like I'm supposed to be, and for now, I think I'm sort of ok with it.
I feel like I just want to meditate on it is all. Something doesn’t seem right but I don’t know what.
Am I just a machine that wasn't put together properly and needs some repairing? Is it as simple as finding the right pieces and putting them in the right places and I'll be a "good" person? But for some reason that doesn't seem like it'd be good enough...
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5 comments:
man.
i feel that way a lot.
as if something is not quite right...
i see in a broken reflection of a broken image.
but then... regardless of how lost in my abyss i find myself wandering... there is still a light.. not at the end of a tunnel.. but in me.
the crazies are teaching me these days the "who am i" questions are a VERY good thing.
peace, grace and love - may they define you
jef.
One of the most amazing things about living is that we get to figure out ourselves. The world is almost figured out. Science and math and all that stuff that I forget from high school. But no one is ever going to come to the end of who I am. Jeff's crazies are so on the ball..."Who am I?" is great...it separates us from monkeys. We get to figure it out.
Revel in that. You may be a broken boy, but you are a boy. The joy of that is often too easily lost, I think.
Somethings not right? That's good. That means you get to become. Maybe I am just in a weird optimistic mood right now, because your glass is more than half full to me. And I get what you're saying...fully. Everyday it's like I stare down this gangly, awkward soul that is me and I wonder why on earth I don't feel as though any of it fits.
So, on an undeep note I have two things to say. One...I will be seeing you on Saturday. Two...you used to be one of my intrigues. You can tell people how Kaela and her friends used to watch you from afar, and wish you were their friend.
Wish came true. Sa-weet. Whoa, sorry this is so long.
As painfull as brokenness can be, it seems beautiful nonetheless. It's like a literal revelation in a most relevent sence that the grace and strength of God has to rule in your life.
This is a commonly adapted concept, but it seems that sometimes only brokeness can make it relevent to the very nature of your being- and that's sweet.
MC
yeah, brokeness totally brings the reality that we need the grace and strength of God in our lives to a certain relevancy to our natural self doesn't it.
but maybe it's not such a big misfortune having this painful brokeness about us. i mean, paul talks (even with a certain amount of pride i think) of his "thorn" in his side. pain if you think about it is just a mechanism telling us that something isn't how it should be. so it would only make sense that maybe our broken nature would be painful.
... but it does have it's own sort of beauty nonetheless, i agree.
hey dude, that was a fun trip for shiizy. and to be honest yeah some ppl have all the ladys and some dont i guess but God only has in mind one lady for us to be with for eternity, it may take some ppl longer to find them then others, it may take more trys but it may take someone one try to get it right and its perfect forever. and I think those ppl are luckyer then those who have to try a lot. I for instints thought I found that lady but she didn't want to marry me. i was stunned cause i thought she was perfect and it still hurts thinking back on it. yeah i've learnt though it but does learning out way the hurt. i dont know. I think i could have learnt it all and stayed with the one and married. so i duno this is random thoughts of cam. speaking of that tell addison to fricken allow non "Bloggers" to comment. maybe i'll just start a blog. but my blogs will be random like this. and you can check them on my myspace. myspace.com/senslessteenagepoetry shamless plug for sha. so G you have a good week at nanoose hopefully i can come up there to check up on you all. we should get some coffee when you get back and just hang out. later homie.
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